Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
