It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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