Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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