I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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