i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
