If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
