when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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