I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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