First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
