Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
