Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
