i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
