You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize