im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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