I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
A bitchslap is in order.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
