You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
