Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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