I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
