if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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