He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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