My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
