he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
