Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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