I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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