the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
