she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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