to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
