you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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