today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
