Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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