wakey wakey hands off snakey
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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