a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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