yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I did not marry a roomba.
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