My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
