just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
