How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
