im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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