I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize