Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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