remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
