he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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