Got a toothbrush?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
