My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
