Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
