...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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