I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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