someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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