I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
