Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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