I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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