I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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