Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
