We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
whose ass print is on the piano?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
