WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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