If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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