did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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