We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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