genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
