On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize