i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
P.S. I can't hear my feet
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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