Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
