if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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