Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
