i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
A+ Viking dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
