I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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