woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
