i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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